My two selves...

Sometimes I feel like I am two different people. I am a mother and caretaker of my family. I cherish this role and feel the weight of the responsibility of being a mother weighing on my shoulders each and every day. I feel like I am trying so hard to make my children always act a certain way, or do just the right things. I want them to only use the most polite, kind and reverent tones when they speak. I want them to always think of others before themselves, to give what they have to those who don't. Basically I want them to be perfect. Obviously they are not perfect. Far from it, really. They are learning and growing and testing the water. They push and pull and play and yell. They are children and they act as such. I find myself trying so hard to make them who I want them to be and I'm failing, getting frustrated and angry. I am mad and sad and worried.

Then there is this other person. A girl who doesn't show her face very often. I got a glimpse of her yesterday and it was so nice to see her. My mom had the kids as I had a photo session. I was doing something I love that is just for me and it felt good. After the session I drove around town, music blasting, singing at the top of my lungs, thinking this feels really good! I went home and cleaned up the house to more good music then sat in my favorite chair and read a few chapters of a good book, the house more quiet than I can remember. It felt so good! I felt so good! This part of me seems hide far away when the other part comes out to run the house. I thought to myself as I drove back to get my kids from my moms house, why can't I be this person more often with my kids? I decided I really want to be the me that feels good, has fun and sings out loud with my kids. I still want them to be their very best selves. I want them to be kind and thoughtful. But I also want me to have a happier experience with them while they are young and still mine.

So, this is for you, self that hides away unless I am alone. COME OUT AND PLAY! I want you here, and I really think my kids do too!